The Gift of Powerlessness

I love those "A-HA" moments, when something familiar suddenly surprises you with something you had never noticed, reminding you to always be alert.  I recall this distinctly happening while at an art museum, gazing at a well known painting.  I was familiar with the picture, but it wasn't until I saw the frenzied brush strokes, the delicately mixed paint, the drops of white that make the colors around burst to life.  That was an A-HA moment, a reminder to never grow comfortable with the world at large.

I had another A-HA moment this morning when reading Scripture. I've been reading about the life of David and its been a bit unsettling at times.  David is first introduced as a man who will seek after God's heart, who will be a faithful king as opposed to Saul.  With this initial description, its easy to fantasize and romanticize David, holding him up as the perfect example of faithfulness and devotion.  And yet this is a guy who eventually abuses his kingly power by impregnating another man's wife and then murdering him to cover his tracks.  The guy whose son rapes his daughter and all he does is slap him on the wrist and send him on his way.  This is the man after God's heart.

I was opened to the dynamic nature of David's character again today.  1 Samuel 24-26 contains three stories about David. David first spares Saul's life when he enters into a cave to relieve himself, not knowing that David is hiding in the back of the cave.  David chooses to let Saul go free rather than kill him, stating that it is the Lord's role to avenge, not him.  Following this, David and his men ask for Nabal to feed them for watching over his shepherds and sheep.  Nabal foolishly refuses and David is about ready to decimate his entire household had not Abigail rushed to David and asked for forgiveness.  David acquiesces and Nabal dies not too long after by the Lord's hand.  Finally, David sneaks into Saul's camp and has the opportunity to kill him once again.  And again, David refuses to kill Saul, leaving vengeance and retribution in the Lord's hand.

In these three stories, we get a simultaneous glimpse of David's devotion to God and his utter rashness.  David is twice willing to spare the life of the man who seeks to take David's life and yet he also is ready and willing to slaughter an entire family over a failure to provide provisions. It is the actions of Abigail that keep David from taking innocent blood, reminding him to leave things in God's hands.

I find it interesting that when David is in a position of powerlessness, with his four hundred men compared to Saul's thousands, he trusts in the Lord, acknowledging that Saul was still anointed by God.  Yet, when David is in a position of power, with four hundred fighting men compared to a single household, he is willing to kill when he doesn't get his way.

Our culture views powerlessness as a form of weakness, something to be avoided at all costs.  But maybe powerlessness and weakness are gifts from God which invite us to greater dependency and trust in the one who orders the sun and the stars. Even more, maybe powerlessness and weakness are not just gifts, but insights into the life and character of God, the God who enters this world as a baby, the God who shows his character not in displays of power, but in an act of powerlessness, helplessness, and absolute weakness.

A Motley Crew

My constant failure is a mark of being Christian, for the beginning point for anyone on the journey towards Christlikeness is a recognition that we fail.  A lot.  And even when we submit ourselves to God's present reign and rule, we still make mistakes and fail.  Thus the beauty of grace.

I was reading 1 Samuel 22 and was struck my something I had never noticed before.  David is fleeing from Saul and hides in the cave of Adullam.  His family hears he is hiding there and they come to join him.  And then the text describes the other people who came to join David in the cave:

"And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who is in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul, gathered to him. And he became commander over them. And there were with him about four hundred men."

1 Samuel 22:2

Here we have the anointed David, the true King of Israel, fleeing from the egotistical attempts of a rejected king trying in vain to secure his position and status.  And David, rather than attracting the best of the best, those nurtured and trained from a young age with a sword in their hand, finds himself surrounded by a motley crew. Those in distress.  Those in debt. Those embittered and discontent. We don't know why they were distressed, in debt, or discontent.  Some scholars think they were social outcasts, those looking for a chance to overthrow Saul, hoping for a chance to see Saul crushed under David's feet.

When I read this short description of David's loyal band, I was reminded of those whom Jesus called to himself.  Fishermen.  Tax collectors.  Zealous revolutionaries hoping to overthrow Rome by violent means.  One who would eventually betray him.  Jesus may have eaten at the homes of the rich, but when he called them to give all they had and live by the ways and rhythms of the Kingdom, they walked away.  And yet, it was this very same motley crew of misfits that Jesus chose to launch his Kingdom movement to the corners of the world.

Last night my wife and I had dinner with my former youth pastor and a friend I've known since before I can remember.  She is, in her words, "doing what Jesus leads her to do."  She's also living in her parent's basement.  He, an engineer, is living in Long Beach, working for oil companies and attending his local church in the meantime.  My wife and I, in a move that defies reason and logic, are leaving a stable environment and venturing into the unknown.  And as we were saying goodbye last night, I thought to myself, "We are a bit of a motley crew. We may be broken and bruised, but we are still chosen."

There's a church in Colorado named The Scum of the Earth taken from 1 Corinthians 4:13. I think that's an apt description of the church. We are not the pride of the world, but the scum of the earth.  We truly are a motley crew of people to whom God has entrusted his Spirit and Kingdom movement. But should we really be surprised? A quick survey of Scripture reveals its what God has been doing from the very beginning!

Our Next Adventure

The past few months have been full of prayer, questions, decisions to be made, and lots of uncertainty. Weeks of prayer and discernment recently culminated in our final decision for our next steps  - we have decided to move back up to the bay area in August. Kenzie will be beginning her MA in Marriage & Family Counseling with Western Seminary in San Jose and Calvin will be finding a pastoral position.

Now let me rewind and explain our process of how we got here. Over the past year Calvin finished his final year of his Masters of Divinity at APU (with honors!), and Kenzie has applied and been accepted to APU, Vanguard, and Western Seminary for their MFT programs. Regardless of our location, we knew this next adventure would involve transition for us - in schedule, swapping roles, etc. As we thought about and prayed through where the Lord may be leading us, we have had a a few major requests for the Lord:

1. Unity of our hearts
2. An open door
3. Lord, increase our faith (*Admittedly, we did not think prayer requests 1 & 2 were connected with 3, but God has this funny sense of humor...see my blog post titled Doubting Thomas)

Once Kenzie was accepted into schools, the deadlines and weight of our decisions began to set in - do we stay in Orange County with our best friends, jobs, ministries, and church family....or....do we pack up and move back home to the bay area and be closer to family, with or without a job, trusting that God will provide?

After weeks of prayer and discussions, we agreed to set apart one week to "try on" both decisions. Monday and Tuesday we lived as though we had decided to stay in SoCal, noting our reactions, excitements, disappointments, fears, etc. Wednesday we took a day to pray, fast, and transition our hearts. Thursday and Friday were spent wearing the decision to move up north, again noting our reactions, fears, excitements, disappointments. Throughout this week we sought wise counsel of many people in our lives, those who were invested in us staying, those invested in us moving, and those invested in us being faithful to God's whispers.
As a bookend to our week of discernment, we took a one night campout, settling in the slow pace of camping to reflect on our week.

One of the discernment projects we practiced was writing what makes us feel alive and defeated about both decisions. We each wrote our lists separately before comparing - only to find that our lists were almost identical, even sometimes written in the same order! The week was filled with great insights, emotional highs & lows, and great dependence on God.

Though our open door is at Canyon Hills, our hearts are united, at peace, and excited about our new faith journey in moving to be closer to family. We have no idea what the next step will look like, but we know that God is good, and He will provide. Needless to say, this decision is a bitter-sweet one for us. We are excited to feel "home" again, knowing our hearts can settle and lay roots, but we are leaving a loving church family, many friends, and our cozy home in the ridiculously cute Orange circle.

The Sunday after we made our final decision, we sang  Hillsong United's Oceans at church. God's timing is good, and this song may be his first provision for us - an anthem as we continue to rely on Him.



We will be in Orange County through early August, then moving up to our next adventure, whether that be our new home, or my old bedroom at my mom's house :) Please pray with us as we look for job opportunities, housing,  financial provision for school, and increased faith. Thank you all for your support - through this blog and through every day life.
  
We covet your prayers!

To our Canyon Hills Family- We will be here through August 1st and we would love to process this transition together. We understand that losing youth leaders can feel confusing, hurtful, and sad. Know that we are grieving this as well. In our own high school years we each experienced multiple transitions of small group leaders, high school directors, and youth pastors. It's not easy to start over in relationships and it takes time to build trust. In light of that, we are humbled by the opportunities we've had over the past years to be entrusted with each of your lives, and we deeply thank you for walking alongside us. Canyon Hills will remain a special place in our hearts and we promise we won't be strangers, we'll come visit whenever we're in the area and we will gladly offer up our couch to anyone visiting San Francisco! Let's commit to finishing this last leg of our journey together well. We love you all.