Doubting Thomas

Confession: I'm a PresbyFriend. Let me clarify - first and foremost, I follow Jesus. But I learned how to follow Jesus in a Presbyterian church. I've got reformed theology, a love for solid biblical teaching, structure, and traditional liturgy. Now I'm at an Evangelical Friends church. We love good community (and good food!), emphasizing Jesus in our midst, and influencing our culture. But if I'm really honest, I think I'm a closet wanna-be-charismatic-PresbyFriend.

I spent a summer in college living in the suburbs of Salt Lake City for an internship at a counseling center & spent a lot of time with my church family, The Adventure Four Square Church in Draper. These people are to this day some of the most amazing I've met in my life. They've got story after story of God's movement, his redemption, his life in the midst of a dead world. They also exercise a lot more freedom, movement, and power in the Spirit than my little Presbyterian brain could compute--in the best and most confusing way.

This past weekend I was home for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's bridal show & went to a Four Square church with mom. Their guest speaker was the most adorable 82 year old fire-cracker godly man who does missionary work in the Middle East, bringing millions to know Jesus. He told story after story of people being instantly healed of cancer, of signs and wonders that get people's attention and led them to Jesus. He read us parables and stories of Jesus healing the sick, of compassion welling up inside Him that led him to heal each and every person brought before Him. The speaker then led many to come up and be prayed over to be healed of cancer and sickness. No fanfire or fireworks, just a simple prayer over those with a simple faith in a big, capable God.

And there I sat in my chair, nervous. Not because anything they said was off base, but because I was convicted that my intellectual faith sometimes doesn't translate to a faith that fully trusts in God for all things. I can describe His power, cite passages of him healing the sick, blind, demonized, raising the dead...but apparently my heart doesn't fully believe it. I'm a doubting Thomas. I crave to live as Jesus intended his followers to live. A life I often describe as mundanely normal interwoven with threads of the miraculous. I struggle to find that balance, to boldly display the power of the Holy Spirit in my daily life. We are His ambassadors, with His authority, His power, & His inheritance granted to us as adopted children..

Last weekend I realized I believe all those things, yet they were wrapped in some unspoken contingencies: That living what I believe doesn't make me look foolish. That I'm not embarrassed. That it works within my schedule... Ultimately, I think I set up these walls in my heart so that I'm not disappointed if God chooses not to heal. If he chooses to answer differently than I wanted. If he chooses to be silent. I realized that I give up easily when disappointed or hurt. My heart puts up protective walls, and this week I realized once again that on those walls are written I don't fully trust you, God.  Calvin recently listened to a sermon that said the opposite of faith is not doubt, it's sight. I am Thomas, who wouldn't believe Jesus was resurrected until He saw the wounds in his hands.

This week I've struggled to make sense of my heart. I'm reading through the gospels and finding innumerable accounts of this miraculous, normal life that doesn't always fit with the world I experience. Our God is sovereign, He will do what he wants, yet there is some mysterious relationship with our faith and his movement around us. And my faith is peanut sized, easily wavered when hit with disappointments. I've got no idea what this journey will look like. I only know I'm committing myself to pursuing a persistent faith like the one of the widow seeking justice...like the bleeding woman who knew if she could just touch His garment she'd be healed...like the centurion whose servant was dying....like the paralytic's friends...like the little boy with 5 fish and 2 loaves...like my 82 year old brother in Christ. I pursue faith not for faith's sake, because a misplaced faith, no matter how great, is ultimately in vain. I pursue a great faith because my God is great.

Sometimes I'll need to borrow other people's faith. So journey with me, encourage me, remind me of our great God, of the things He's done. Together I think we'll find a rich journey of adventuring with Jesus, a life that draws attention to our great King.



**I know there are a lot of views on gifts and how they are to be used, or not used, in today's context. I'm not advocating any certain theological stance, only responding to what I read in the Bible and hoping to live that out fully. Be gracious with me.